Thank You Paula & Ace

Not many things can put me of eating my food. As far as I can recall there have only been three occasions in my adult life when I refused to eat my food. The first time was when I found a giant cockroach in my food (see Fast Train To Porkking entry). The second time it happened, I was on holiday with some friends in Cherating. We were starving and suffering from sun stroke. As we sat down to eat at one of the malay stalls by the beach, I couldn’t help but notice the swarm of flies circling what was going to be lunch. I had a bottle of water for lunch that day. And last but not least, the seriously lousy food I had at a “fine dining” establishment in KL. It was crap, the service was crap, I refused to eat. All this happened when I was younger therefore, precious and obnoxious because I took myself so seriously. Cringe. If I found a cockroach in my food now, I would remove it and carry on eating.

So several years later, at the ripe old age of 30, I encounter my fourth stomach lurching experience. It happened on Thursday whilst I was enjoying my fried rice with sambal ikan bilis and watching the American Idol repeat. Started off with crap and didn’t stop crapping for the whole hour. Ace has always grossed me out. That affected puppy-eyed look he pulls gives me the heebie-jeebies! I felt my stomach lurch as he sleazed his way through his song. I put the tv on mute and carried on eating. Once he was done, I turned on the sound again because I love hearing the judges comments. That was when I got really sick. Paula, Paula, Paula… Paula is a disgusting, dirty old woman. It was revolting the way she gushed and flirted. “Is that a scar? (pant…dribble). One day (breathlessly) you have to tell me all about that scar (fawn…moan)”.

That was it. I was done with my food. Paula and Ace might be the secret to losing weight for me. Everytime I want to eat, I just need to picture Paula trying to get into Ace’s panties. Arrrrghhh!!! My eyes, my eyesssss!!! I think I need to throw up…


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